Remember when I tried a vending machine kebab sandwich, found it disgusting, but then admitted that I’d eat more weird vending machine food if I found it?

Well I’m a man of my word.

I was at the Prater amusement park the other day to ride the ferris wheel, and I figured I’d walk around a bit and check the place out. And that’s when I saw it: a pizza vending machine.

Vending machine pizza in Vienna, Austria

I knew it wasn’t going to be good, but I couldn’t stop myself. I ordered the cheese pizza (or käsebaguette) because it was the cheapest one at €3.30, and I wanted to pay as little as possible. The machine whirred to life, and within a couple of minutes, it spit out an inoffensive looking rectangular pizza.

Vending machine pizza in Vienna, Austria

It was so bad.

Featuring some kind of slimy cheese-like substance resting atop a crust that tastes like a bundle of Kleenex that’s been soaked through with sea water and left out to dry in the sun, it was actually kind of surprising how bad it was. Like, you expect a vending machine pizza to be gross, but this was next-level bad. There was absolutely no texture here other than soft and mushy and gooey, and the flavour was just saltiness and fake cheese. It was absolutely horrific — it made the vending machine kebab look gourmet in comparison.

You know how some people say that even bad pizza is pretty good? Those people need to come to Vienna so they can see how wrong they are.

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